Blogagaard Writes Movie Treatment For Zombiewood
"Pirates Vs. Zombies: Oh, it's On, Bitches"
Summary: We see this as a zombie/pirate crossover piece, which should draw at least ten million people who'll pay to see anything with both pirates and zombies in it. Imagine a near future were zombies have taken over the land-locked portions of the earth, killing off all but the heartiest members of humanity, who have, out of necessity, taken to the sea!!! Yes, the few ragged remainders of humanity are now pirates, through and through, raiding zombie shorelines for food, water, and to replentish their supplies of macaw parrots. "Pirates Vs. Zombies: Oh, it's On, Bitches" will then, of course, follow the leader of the pirates as he struggles to gather supplies, keep his crew from losing hope, and, ultimately, as he leads an assault on a zombie castle said to hold a mysterious jewel that, if destroyed, will rob the zombies of their power and make them all keel over, on the spot.
Cast: Heath Ledger will, of course, play the role of Captain Revolution, while his first mate will be the cocky upstart Christian Slater. Horatio Sanz, of SNL fame, will play the ship's humorous cook while Captain Revolution's love interest will be, lets see, Nicole Kidman. Kidman will be devoured by the zombies early on in the film, giving Captain Revolution extra incentive to kick zombie ass. The leader of the zombies will be, hmmm, Dick Cheney (note to makeup crew: the Vice President will not need zombie makeup).
Setting: The Caribbean, duh.
Rating: Awesome
Blogagaard Loves to Ponder
About Me
- David Oppegaard
- St. Paul, Minnesota
- I am the author of And the Hills Opened Up, The Suicide Collectors, and Wormwood, Nevada.
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22 comments:
You know, we might have gotten funding for this picture had not Disney beat us to it with their damn 'Priates of the Caribbean' movie.
Dammit, my name is mikey and I approved the above post.
I thought of that, Mikey, but I think that Jonnhy Deep flick only makes this project more attractive to the fiscally sensible yet unoriginal minds of Zombiewood.
Christian Slater? Does he even make movies anymore?
He'll do what we here at Blogagaard damn well tell him to do. Dance, monkey, dance!
How can this movie not sell when a Big Mama's House sequel is on its way to a theater near you? I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a terrible vacuum in the gulf of the collective human psyche for Martin Lawrence in a fat/drag suit.
Mr. Blogagaard:
Thank you for considering our studio for your project. Unfortunately, we have something very much like it already in the production stages, so we will have to pass. We wish you the best of luck in finding a studio that is right for your film, and please check out "Pirates of the Gulf of Mexico: Treasure of Flesh-Eater Island" coming to a theater near you in 2008!
Why don't you distance yourself from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise by changing the location? Not Zombiewood, but Zombie White Bear Lake?
OUTSIDE the box. OUTSIDE it.
I think Nicole should come back as a zombie at the movie's climax, forcing Christian to hack her up when Heath falters. Then Heath & Christian make out. Or not.
Ooh, lake pirates. I like that.
good thinking, Mrs. Ash. Damn Box, keep us all, well, packaged.
I love SD's idea of Nicole coming back, Heath faltering and Christian stepping it up. I even love that Heath and Christian make out after. But seeing as how Christian is also sort of a psycho girlfriend beating alkie, I'd probably want to replace him with someone like Screetch from Saved by the Bell. It's time Hollywood gave Screetch the meaty, dramatic role we all know he's ready for. He's got chops, that one.
Yay! Screech! So right. Y'know, I totally loved Christian Slater in middle school, I had posters and everything.
Keith Ledger is no pirate. Still, it's not like this movie was ever going to be a viable financial possibility - not with my 'Swashbuckles and Shurikens: Pirates versus Ninjas: A Saga' already in post-production. Sorry Dave, but it's been in the works for a while. And besides, everyone in the business knows that using two colons in your title snags you twice as many stoner-kids in your core audience demographic.
Wow, did I type Keith Ledger? Wow. I mean, really, from me, just wow.
That's just this blog man, expanding your mind, expanding...your world!
It's a cursed blog? That's pretty piratey. I'd invite you to join my crew, but we only take people with bizarre, highly-distinguishable abilities and tragic histories which can be easily recounted in dramatic flashbacks. The ability to stretch like Mr. Fantastic goes down well, as does being a saucy lady who dabbles in miscellaneous arcane arts. You *aren't* a saucy lady who dabbles in miscellaneous arcane arts, are you? Because if you are, there's always room in my [the Captain's] cabin.
I'm not sure about the pirates, but I think some of the Zombies are hoping for a new post. I heard rumblings anyway....
I'm just sick to death that I missed this one. Would you, Dave, turn on the RSS/Atom feed? (Do Relative Poetry while you're at it.) That way I don't have to remember to check, and miss the good'ns.
How do I do that, Kelly?
Open up any post for editing, find the "settings" tab, find the "site feed" tab, say "yes" and you're good. Then anyone can use an RSS reader to automatically get updates on changes to your blog.
It was already marked yes with this address:
http://blogagaard.blogspot.com/atom.xml
there's some conflict with the feed because I've used word to cut and paste text into posts.I've downloaded word for blogger so hopefully this won't happen anymore.
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