My Plan to Take Over Earth

Since writers going mad with delusions of grandeur is the hot new thing, I've decided to take over Earth. I plan to do this by becoming famous for saving a kitten from the clutches of a falcon while hundreds of people film the event. Talk show offers will pour in, and I will accept them all. While being interviewed about the amazing event I will plug this very blog, asking Regis and Dave and Conan to post the address on the screen during the entire interview. I will also make many pithy and interesting remarks during the interview process, enabling the world to see how charming I really am. Mila Kunis, otherwise known as Jackie from That 70's Show, will see me on the TV while drinking pink champagne and be mesmerized by my personal charisma. She will e-mail after reading this blog and viewing my profile. We will marry after a whirlwind courtship of two months in a high profile wedding. My fame ensured (I will be in your FACE), I will run for Senate. After a highly succesful Senate career based on hard-knuckle dealings, I will be elected president of the USA. Then we will invade Canada and Mexico. Then on to France, using cheap labor from Mexico and sexy French-Candians I will cause that country to yet again fold like cheap stationary. I will use France as my base of operations to subdue the rest of Europe, handing out free French wine to countries that actually think fighting my army is a good idea, and soon all of Europe will be under my control. Asia will be a minor fight at best, since I will seize control of all asian media outlets and subject them to 24/7 broadcasts of Tom Sellick in Mr. Baseball and that TV mini-series they made about Meatloaf a few years back. Africa, Russia, Australia, and everyone else will also fall to my control, and I will allow Jackie to oversee these countries.Once in control of the world, I will force feeble author Michael Chriton to walk everywhere naked during the summer, wearing no sunblock. He will also only be allowed to write about dinosaurs and space aliens.

That, my friends, is how I will soon come to rule your world.

14 comments:

Lucas said...

Let me know if you and Jackie could use someone to run to Starbucks for you to fetch your thrice daily coffees. I have nothing better to do and I've never been to France.

Herbach said...

This is the exact plot of an episode of Arthur on PBS kids. I'm serious.

Blogagaard said...

Little known fact: The coffee chain is named after Ahab's first mate Starbuck in Moby Dick.

Steph Wilbur Ash said...

Can I rule Jackie's stylist? Or rather, can her stylist rule me? That girl's outfits are MEOW!

Steph Wilbur Ash said...

BTW, Oppe. You would choose Jackie over Donna? Though Jackie is a better actor, I find Donna much foxier.

Did you know Jackie is the voice of the daughter on The Family Guy?

Blogagaard said...

Woah, Steph. This is all coming at me so fast. I didn't know that Family Guy factoid...

The Jackie vs. Donna debate has been a hot topic since the dawn of time, or at least for seven years since the show started. Donna is very hot, and so is Jackie. The debate could rage forever. Jackie wins my heart, personally, because she is petite and has dark eyes that smolder into the depths of my soul. I have always had a thing for brunettes. Also, I saw Donna on the only episode of MTV's Cribs I've ever seen and she likes to play poker at casinos, which would bore the hell out me. Also, I am not very tall, and she is. That would be a little awkward, though I believe she could protect me in a fight if it ever came down to that.

Sigh. I think half my romantic life/friends qoutient (sp?) is fulfilled by a TV show. Thank god it is on six times a week...

Herbach said...

Donna all the way, but not blonde Donna, red hair Donna. Except Donna is my Mom's name. Donna except not named Donna and Donna who doesn't play poker in Casinos

Blogagaard said...

Geoff, are you tring to impune my credentials? I did not steal that from an episode of Arthur, and your slander is ridiculous given the great amount of randomly generated detail given to today's posting; the odds against such a happenstance simply boggle the mind. If you wish to contain down upon this path, I suggest you submit a link to the episode of Arthur you are talking about. Also, I thought Arthur was a movie, not an episodic TV show.

I'm pretty hyper today. I think it's this new refreshing toothpaste I got. It's like I just french kissed an angel.

Steph Wilbur Ash said...

Wow, I got new toothpaste too! It's like I fellated a unicorn.

Blogagaard said...

French Kissing An Angel

A Poem By Dave Blogagaard

I was feeling low
My lips were dry
But then you,
You fell from the sky.

I helped dust your wings off
For which you gave me a
gift certificate to Starbucks.

We walked hand in hand,
And when you turned and kissed me
(Tongues touching tongues touching!)
My mouth filled with minty goodness

Heaven is a place on Earth
(which I will conquer shortly)

El Fin

Brady said...

Lovely, Mr. Oppegaard.

I, too, would have said Donna (red hair) over Jackie. But, I, too, saw that episode of cribs with Donna and she lived in a very country decorated home with pictures of horses. A horse woman. I can't do that.

Herbach said...

Okay, I lied! I was so jealous over your beautiful layers of detail, I made up the part about this being lifted from an episode of Arthur on PBS Kids. Sorry.

Donna, but Donna who I can reshape to be who I think she should be. I don't like Jackie very much for some reason. I don't think she could handle all my lying, like that time when I claimed Oppegaard lifted a blog post from a kids show.

stormin' norman said...

Can I be your campaign manager, driven by idealism and budding imperialist dreams only to eventually fall to a sorry state of corruption and a consistent, pounding hangover from French wine?

Also, Jackie trumps Donna any day of the week - red-haired or blond.

Blogagaard said...

Yes. All my friends may work on my campaign. Geoff, I'd liek to give you the time honored job of being my handler.

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