Day 8 of the Great Minnesota Shutdown. It was a scorcher today in St. Paul, somewhere around 120 degrees in the shade. As I retrieved my recycling bin from the curb (at least we can still recycle during the shutdown. That's something, anyway, goddamn it!) I saw this floating skull hovering above Thomas Avenue. The skull was surrounded by flames, of course, and grinning like a jackal after heavy collagen treatments. As I watched in astonishment, the skull grew long brown hair and wide, icy blue eyes that pierced me to my very soul.
"YES, BLOGAGAARD. I HAVE RETURNED," the flaming devil skull said, in a voice like gravel coated with bullshit.
"But you're dead! My voodoo doll was guaranteed to work!"
"NO, YOU FOOL. I AM ONLY CAMPAIGNING IN IOWA. YES! I SHALL BE YOUR NEXT AMERICAN WARLORD."
"The fuck you say!"
"THE FUCK YOU SAY, BLOGAGAARD. YES. I SHALL MAKE A RAINCOAT OF YOUR VERY SKIN. I AM THE BACHMANN, AND I WILL NOT BE STOPPED."
A cold wind of Evil passed through me and I trembled all over-yea verily, like a newborn lamb. I looked around for a rocket launcher, but this wasn't DOOM. This was real life, Midway-style.
"WHAT IS THAT BLUE BIN YOU HOLD?"
"It's called recycling, bitch. I'm saving the environment."
"HA HA HA. YOU'RE CUTE. YOU'LL MAKE A FINE RAINCOAT FOR THE BACHMANN. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THE 'ENVIRONMENT' IS A MYTH CREATED BY GAY PEOPLE."
"JUST LIKE DINOSAURS! ANOTHER MYTH MADE BY GAY LIBERAL SCIENTISTS."
"No!" I shouted, flinging the blue plastic bin right into the Bachmann's grinning maw. The blue-eyed skull shattered into a thousand bees, which screamed with their tiny bee mouths before scattering on the wind.
"I'LL BE BACK," the gravel/poop voice whispered in my head. "I'M NOT DONE WITH MINNESOTA YET."
And lo, a dark cloud passed upon this once tranquil and verdant land, the land of the Loon.