The other night I was shopping at the Midway Super Target with Melissa, my new lady friend. We're almost ready to check out when they announce over the speakers that there's been a severe storm warning and that everyone has to stop shopping and head to the back of the store to an area called Seasonal. You can leave Target if you want, fool that you are, but you cannot buy any of your items. Ha ha ha!

At first this seems like some kind of joke, yet suddenly everyone's wheeling their stuffed carts back to seasonal and Target Team Members are collecting in the back of the store, too. Those bright red shirts they wear seem okay in small doses, but when you get like twenty or thirty of those shirts together it does something funny to your eyes and you can't really look at them too long. So of course this warning lasts a long time and people are getting weird and twice, yes, twice, I wander back near a front aisle to try and find a small container of minced garlic and twice I'm caught and yelled at by a Target Team Member. Except, it's not really like yelling because they always began with, "Did you hear the announcement about the storm?" like maybe I'm just some kindly old lady with bad hearing or something. Meanwhile, Melissa's pointing out how ridiculously trite the items we've selected for purchase through (mostly) impulse and how we could just leave the cart we've spent an hour filling up and yet again I have an urge to go find garlic, Ahab-like in my quest to outsmart Target team members.

Finally, to the relief of all, the announcement dude screeches that the warning's been lifted and we can all go to the front of the store again and check out. The red shirted, khaki pantsed team members run up to the front of the store to check everybody out and then we've made it, we've really made it, out into the goddamn muggiest night ever. And true to form, we also stop at Big Top Liquor on our way back to my apartment. There we regale the clerk with our tale and he stares at us in disbelief. Big Top Liquor is no place to go to be protected from yourself.


m said...

And there was that poor in-store Starbucks employee, whose shift ended mere minutes after he was called to duty as a Team Member.

"Awesome! Starbucks!"
"We're closed."

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