Dear Madonna,
Please adopt me, 27 year-old Dave Oppegaard. Think about it. You know you want to. You know one small African boy won't be enough mothering to fill the bottomless void in your Material Girl heart. Adopt me, too. I'm not busy. I'm bored with my job; I'd quit it in a second if you just adopted me. Here are some helpful facts to further my case:
Fact: I am already potty trained.
Fact: I am cuddly. Extremely cuddly. That dumb kid doesn't even have any meat on his bones. Fact: I am capable of mowing your lawn. Shower me with diamond studded pillows, and I'll mow your lawn for free.
Fact: I am very strong. When you are drunk, I will carry you to bed and watch over you all night with extreme vigilance. As I watch, I promise not to do anything creepy.
Fact: I am good at writing. I will write killer movie vehicles to further your already amazing film career.
I know, I know. At 27 I may seem a little old to be adopted, but let me assure you that this is not true. I can hardly take care of myself. I make poor eating choices, drink too much whiskey, and I stay up way, way too late. Also, I think I need to go the dentist. Will you take me to the dentist, Madonna? That would be wonderful. You, me, and all those high speed drills! Did I mention I have no health insurance?
You should also know I come with amazing parental references already. I will do my utmost to justify your love, and my ample weekly allowance, in every way possible. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Dave Oppegaard
PS. May I please have a brand new BMW? I prefer cobalt blue, with a sunroof and spinning rims. Give me such a car, and I will drive it right into your heart.
Blogagaard Loves to Ponder
About Me
- David Oppegaard
- St. Paul, Minnesota
- I am the author of And the Hills Opened Up, The Suicide Collectors, and Wormwood, Nevada.
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10 comments:
You've convinced me, Dave. Madonna should definitely adopt you. It's a slam-dunk, my man!
Hey, when are you going to do your impression of Chicago again? That sounds like a hoot riot!
:-)
thanks Dan! I think I bring a lot to the table and that Madonna and I, baring some strange act of evil, can reach a mutually sweet agreement.
Dear David -
Unfortunately, your Northern European heritage does not do much to enhance the cultural diversity of our now-growing family group. Guy and I appreciate all of your qualities, but having a "Tommy-boy"-style man-child (albeit a more literary version than one would usually expect) with blond hair and a Scandinavian surname won't get us more press on the cover of the New York Post.
Plus, after viewing Tellon's myspace page and seeing other pictures of a man I can only assume is you, I would be afraid that I might go all "Woody Allen" on you and choose you as my next lover.
I'm not talented enough to pull that off and keep my popularity. Besides, Mark Foley has ruined child pandering for all of us (at least for the next six months or so.)
Take care, David. Here's hoping a large-breasted Vegas showgirl will soon "adopt" you and buy you that BMW you've always wanted.
And take you to the dentist.
Sincerely,
The Material Girl
Madonna
AW, Madonna is so sweet and she reads your blog!!
Also, I see you in a black BMW.
If she doesn't, I will.
Thanks, Alex!
Hmmm, I sort of doubt the real Madonna uses the word "albeit" much...
Damn you and your forensic grammar investigative skills, Bloggy!
My cover is blown!
Albeit not without some humor.
Madonna
I'm glad you came forward, Rand. it was the right thing to do. Your Madonna response was funny, but it drives me crazy not knowing who posts stuff.
Still, I want that option to be there for those who seek it!
We here at Blogagaard love dialogue!
Dude, you should send this. If she writes back, I'll kick a 62-yard field goal for you.
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