Writing Love & Sex

If you think love is hard enough in the real world, try writing about it. It's like freaking rocket surgery. My thesis novel has love stuff all over it, in many forms, and for a sensitive fellow such as myself it's been a real challenge pulling it off in a realistic, fresh manner. Some examples of written love gone bad:

"He looked at me from across a steamy bowl of beer cheese soup, and I was so fucking smitten I could not believe it."

"Her eyes met mine, and we decided to have a stare-off. A stare-off of love!"

"She touched my breasts in an untoward manner, which I did not so much appreciate but instead enjoyed, fiercely."

"He grabbed my rear end and squeezed it, like I was so much grapefruit. I yelled, 'Hey, I have a penis! What do you think you're doing, buddy?' and he smiled devilishly and said, 'That's okay, I have one too." And it was then I knew I loved him. Man loved him."

I find the only way you can truly write about love is by surfing the Internet for porn and interjecting the phraseology used by today's modern Shakespearians of the Flesh. Who understands today's modern sexual world better than those profiting so immensely from it? If a woman is attractive, refer to her as a "cumtastic good time" and use the phrase "anus as art" as much as possible. And for your male protagonists, call them "shafts of rock hard flesh" and make sure they're facial features are so bland almost any imagined face could be fit onto their oily bronzed bodies.

But enough from me! Go write yourself one sexually raucous love story, my little sparrows!