College Football Makes Me Want to Puke These Days

So, the Gophers have decided on a new coach named Jerry Kill, which is a cool name, I guess, if the Gophers ever need to battle COBRA and save the world. Other than that, college football sort of makes me want to puke these days.

Here's a brief list why:

1. Here's the bowl schedule for this year, hot off the presses. Notice anything?

A) The championship game, a match-up which was determined by a COMPUTER, doesn't even happen until January 10th. You know, not so long ago I remember how awesome it was to watch a dozen bowl games on New Year's Day and go to bed knowing who my national champion was. Now I have to have these goddamn games spread out an extra ten days, which pretty much makes Jan 1st feel like the football version of premature ejaculation. Fun for about a second, but mostly just empty and messy.

B) All but three games, count 'em THREE, will be televised on ESPN, which the last time I checked is still a cable channel. This means that any fan without cable, which is most actual college students, is pretty much shit out of luck if they want to watch bowl games. This includes the goddamn NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. Hey, why don't we fuck all the poor people some more and broadcast the super bowl on HBO or something?

C) Thanks to corporate sponsors, the names of these bowls has gotten downright ridiculous. Would you rather play in the GoDaddy.com bowl, the Chick-fil-a bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, or the Franklin American Mortgage Music City bowl? These are all real names! Even the old school awesome bowls have sponsors now, like the AT&T Cotton Bowl, and the Discover Orange Bowl. You can tell they actually felt a little bad about changing the Rose Bowl, because this year it's only called the Rose Bowl Game presented by VIZIO. If anyone here has any doubts about what money whores universities are, look no further than the names of the bowls they agree to play in. I can see it now: Kids, let me tell you about the time we won the vaunted Chick-Fil-A Bowl!

2. Poor Boise State. All year they played their little hearts out, smashing opponent after opponent, only to lose their second-to-last game by missing two field goals in the closing minutes. One minute they're a top contender for the Title, the next they're playing UTAH ON DEC 22nd? WTF? They deserved a better fate than that. Only the Gophers deserve that kind of fate.

3. This whole Cam Newton thing. For those of you who couldn't give a fuck, which is most of my imagined readers I am sure, Cam Newton is the stud QB at Auburn whose father offered to sell his son's football services for something like 100,000 dollars. In every year up to 2010, this would have made old Cam way ineligible and Auburn's entire season would have been forfeit. But somehow ($$$) this time the NCAA has said, "Shit! That was just Cam's dad acting without his knowledge! No way any of that money would have affected Cam in any way whatsoever!" and have decided to let him play on, which has given a pretty cruddy feel to the whole college football season this year, as Auburn will be playing for the national championship game.

4.Because of the computer rankings, college teams are now encouraged to run up the score on their lesser opponents (usually smaller schools), less they fall in the rankings and get stuck with a crappier bowl game. Basically this means athlete students are now being taught that poor sportsmanship, i.e. being a major asshole, is the best way to go about life.

5. All this money schools spend on this shit should probably just be going to the schools themselves, anyway-most football programs cost their school money, not the other way around.